The Evil Game Master

My Game Master (GM) is Eviiiil…eviil I tell you…

Okay, so maybe he’s technically Lawful Neutral with hints of Chaotic Evil and a few moments of Divine intervention tossed in for good measure, but eviiil is just so much more fun to say. 

If you have no idea what a GM is, Lawful Neutral or Chaotic Evil then I command that you get yourself to a game store and read up on the concept cause otherwise this little article isn’t going to make a shred of sense. [If you've never played a pen & paper roleplaying game (RPG), then you might be even more lost - ed]

There are arguments going back many years over whether the GM is predisposed towards evil, chaos and mayhem or if they have to be trained to such lofty heights.  My personal opinion is that it’s a combination of both.  Genetically inherited evil combined with the training of many RPG sessions under other evil GMs, seeking training at the master’s feet.  Perhaps you are wondering if it is necessary for a GM to be evil.  Could there not be a GM brought up in the ways of good and harmony and right?  Well, of course, but that’d make for one boring game session.  The GM, as master puppeteer of his campaign must be able to work within the rules, but to provide the players with challenges that spark both their intellect and their dice powered sword arms.  If everything was easy and good the game wouldn’t go very far, and so it is requisite that the GM have an evil streak tempered with mercy and a flying D12.

It is in this spirit, gentle reader that I present to you signs of evil in your GM.  Seeing these signs is not necessarily a bad thing, but does mean you should be on your guard and likely tremble in your pillow fortress where once you felt so secure.

Signs of an evil GM:

• Creating a dungeon trap that has no predefined method of escape.  Many tools are provided, a time limit given and the characters left to their own devices.  If the GM is too clever here this kind of trap can easily lead to a TPW.
• Calling for all the character sheets in the middle of a gaming session.  The GM shakes his head as he reads, muttering.  “Looks like no one has the necessary skill.  Pity.”
• Laughing manically – I shouldn’t have to explain this one.
• Using rust monsters.  Say buhbye to your weapons, armor, toys…if it’s metal it is toast boys and girls.  One of the few times the buff warriors run for the hills while the wimpy magic users save the day.
• Requiring props while playing “Macho Women with Guns” or “Big Eyes, Small Mouth” Systems.
• Smiling sweetly, known as baring fangs and asking, “Soo…who lights the fire?”
• Rolling the dice, counting the damage.  Visually counting it again and muttering.  “Oops.  I hope you had another character in mind.”
• Making suggestions for what other character class/race a given player might consider playing right before rolling the damage dice.
• CTHULHU – Ahem.
• This space intentionally left blank.
• Replacing the PCs with dopplegangers while they’re away from home.  This is funnier if there were romantic storylines left unresolved at the time of departure.
• Providing for the party to be magically sex-changed at least once per campaign.  Potentially confusing and generally hilarious…at least from the GM perspective.
• Listening intently to the players and raising both eyebrows.  “Are you SURE you want to do that…really sure…?  Okay.  Don’t say I never warned you.”
• Purchasing of multisided fuzzy dice to be used as bombs against "pun-ny" players.  D12s are particularly encouraged for this.

This list is anything but complete, but may get potential Evil GMs thinking and players eyeing their GMs in an entirely different light.  Alas for the player there are few ways to halt the progress of an evil GM, and really, who wants to, but there are some few ways to maintain a shred of balance.

1: Be creative as possible.  Appeal to the GMs sense of humor or sheer wonder at your audacity.  In a recent game I was privy to the players created a distraction by hurling all over the guard’s shoes.  Effective, even if ewie.

2: Listen carefully to the GM and find ways to use his gimmicks against him.  If the GM gives you lemons make hand grenades.

3:  Feed the GM.  Much like a wild animal the GM is soothed by appropriate music and large amounts of food.  I personally suggest chocolate and pizza, though perhaps not at the same time.

4: Laugh a lot and just enjoy the game.

The GM is evil for your benefit and for the benefit of the best story possible.  That means everyone will have moments when the chips are down and stacked on top of your chest, but it also opens the door for time when you are the conquering hero and the Murphy’s law is temporarily suspended.  Opposition makes for strong characters and it’s fun…I mean honestly, who wants to role-play about picking flowers and watching the rain fall?  Not when there are dragons to be slain!  Hand me my sword and get out of my way.

Jana Stocks
Once Written, Twice Shy

About the Author: Jana (AKA JenaRey or ~J) is an IT professional who moonlights as a games journalist, freelance writer, novelist, caterer, and occasionally an evil GM herself. She enjoys Cute Knight, Kingdom of Loathing, and a few rounds of Battlefield 2 when her  computer doesn't lag.

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